Well this has been a long time coming. I few months since my last blog.
Radiation was horrendous. I think I may even regret doing it. I don’t know if its pure coincidence but since then I have been nothing but extremely tired all the time. The fatigue is large and real and never ending. I’m tired of being tired but my body doesn’t know what else to do. Maybe I sleep to much, maybe I don’t sleep enough. Do I over do it or should I be doing more? The questions and contradictions are endless.
Anyway lets just establish that I’m tired. All the time. I’ve never got back to the place I was pre radiation where I was literally rocking life.
Since RADs- we moved! I loved our flat as it was our own space. But we bought a house which is a home. Its sunny and warm all the time, has a bit more space and isn’t right next to the neighbors. We have a bit to do to get it all looking the way we want but we are definitely getting there and are so incredibly happy with what we got.
Sorting everything, throwing things out and deciding what to keep and what to pack is hard and tiring but we got there and just loving our home.
We got married. I think that may deserve a blog of its own.
Went to Hamilton Island for out honeymoon. Absolute paradise.
It was Christmas. Cameron and I did breakfast at home and then the family Christmas lunch BBQ.
Went to Lake Bruner for New years, which was fun. We walked the streets at 11pm to try and keep ourselves going to make it till the new year.
This has all been a strange time. Last year I went into Christmas and New Years with the prognosis of 4-24 months, but having only just been re diagnosed, it might have been my last of these things but there was a chance I would get to celebrate again.
This year I’ve come into it knowing I’ve only been given till November. Its a strange thought that all of 2020 isn’t promised to me. I hear everyone making plans and goals and dreams for 2020 and I’m here just hoping I survive the year.
It’s hard not being like everyone else and being able to plan things. I love a plan and a goal but these days if I get put my pjs its a good day so how can I make goals or plan anything bigger than that?
I want to ‘get fit and healthy’ but I can’t because my body no longer does fit without being exhausted for days or healthy, well because I have terminal cancer and am on so much medication I don’t think I’ll ever know health again.
I would give anything to make such mundane life goals and be able to achieve them.
I want ‘2020 to be MY year’ but since I have an expiry date in November how is that even a possibility?
I want so much yet I can do so little.
Its sad and frustrating and feels unfair.
My oncology appointment last week showed the deposits of tumors through my peritoneum can be felt with just a touch. I also now have to watch out for bowel blockages, obstructions and fluid build up in my abdomen.
I want to be excited for the future and make fun plans, instead I’m scared for what it holds and what is ahead.
Times like these I wish I could just snap out of it and wake up tomorrow and just get on with everything like I used too, like other people can do.
But these days it happens less and less and the cancer is more and more real.
Next blog will be wedding blog and much more exciting and upbeat.
This is just letting everyone know whats been happening and where I am right now.
Until next time,