Last week I had chemo. Its deemed my ‘bad’ week. I have Bruce from a Monday until the Wednesday which limits the things I am able to do. Once hes removed Thursday, Friday and Saturday are generally a bit of a write off with nausea and fatigue.
This all then leads to the ‘good’ week. The week I’m suppose to get things done, the week I ‘should’ be getting out for runs and on my bike.
The week I should be trying to limit my loses from the week before. The week I need to live and make the most of it as my time slowly ticks away in the background and the time I’m loosing to chemo is ‘less’ so because I’m ‘making the most of it’ and doing ALLLLL the things.
And then the reality of my life hits. This golden ‘good’ week comes and the motivation just isn’t there.
The anger, frustration and sadness it causes is immense. I’m tired. I should be doing all the things but I’m tired. I feel frustrated and annoyed with myself and my body.
Maybe its in my head? Maybe I just need to take a leaf out of my own book and just harden up and get on with it. Maybe i’m just being lazy. I just need to ‘try’ harder and ‘do’ better.
But maybe I forget my body is being poisoned on a two weekly basis for 48hours. I forget that FOLFIRI’s side effects are fatigue. I forget the more chemo I do ,the more it will accumulate in my body making those side effects even greater and more present. I forget that I’m sick. I’ve felt like this for so long it is my ‘normal’.
I forget I’m not ‘normal’ (whatever normal is), I forget I have terminal cancer, I forget I have cancer and all i feel is disappointment in myself for not being ‘strong’ enough to just get on with it.
I know I have a lot of goals and challenges I want to do and I sit here thinking of them often. I get annoyed with myself that I am sitting here thinking about them and not getting out and chasing them, that I’m not out there bettering myself, that I’m not out there getting fit and feeling the high you get from achieving something.
If you haven’t already picked up on it I am annoyed, mostly angry, with myself. Why can’t I just do it? Why is everything such a struggle? Why don’t I just get out and get on with it?
And then I remember I have cancer, terminal cancer. But to me that isn’t’ an excuse, it isn’t reason enough to not do it. I remember i’m on chemo, and again that still isn’t enough, its still feels like an excuse to not do the things.
Yes I am hard on myself, I always have been and I have a feeling I always will be.
I have a lot of people reminding me I have cancer, I’m going through chemo, I need to be gentle and kind to myself and my body. And yes if someone came to me in my situation I would say the same things to them.
I would tell them to take it easy, to give themselves a break, to be kind, to rest.
I can tell anyone that. I know how to be compassionate to others.
Compassion to myself? No, I didn’t learn that lesson. I’ve always pushed myself, always been hard on myself, always criticised and critiqued the way I do or don’t do things. I have seconded guessed myself my whole life.
I have never felt good enough, that I’m doing enough. I always need to do more, be more, be better. I don’t rest well, I’m in a constant battle with myself.
Hard to accept that maybe I do need to dial back, I do need to be kind and gentle with myself, that I do need to rest.
But if I do that what does it mean? Does it mean I’m giving up? And if i give up that easily, does it mean I’m giving up on life? That I’m just existing, poisoning my body week in and week out without any real satisfaction from a life worth living?
I question on the daily about doing chemo again. I feel like with such a limited time in this world that I am wasting such a big part of it to being ill with something I am volunteering myself for. I willingly go every 2nd Monday to have this poison pumped into me.
It doesn’t make sense, I know.
But then again I am not doing it for myself. I am doing it for the people around me. I need them to be OK and knowing I did everything I could medically will help them be OK.
I have scans mid February which will essentially will show if the pain and suffering chemo brings is worth it or if its a waste of time altogether.
Until then I wait.
Trying to come to terms with this being kind to yourself malarkey, hoping I’m helping and making a difference to not only the people around me but the people that read this blog, or follow my Instagram or Facebook page.
Trying to remember something is better than nothing. Doing a 10km bike ride or a 30min walk might seem ridiculous and not worth the effort, it is better than sitting around doing nothing because I can’t go out and run for 30mins or ride my bike for 30km (a couple of years ago it wouldn’t be worth getting in my kit if it wasn’t at least a 90min ride! Oh how times have changed!).
So I guess the moral of this rambling-
- something, anything is better than nothing.
- be kind and gentle with yourselves, like you would be to your friends or family.
- chemo sucks and has side effects no matter how much you try and will them away and pretend its fine and that you’re not sick at all.
- cancer sucks whichever way you look at it.
- whoever you are and whatever you are going through stay strong, you got this, I believe in you!
Until next time,